Fleeing Home

Time to separate. I had the wrong idea. Duality is never the answer. No hiding, just be and face the consequences. I sometimes chase my little whimsical fancies, knowing that they are insubstantial and will only disappear as my hand passes through them. Why do I do this? One life is enough. Especially when it is undeniably a good one. Opening scene, immediately followed by a disappearing act.

I pause to humorously grin at my own expense, and take a bow.

Singed So Sweetly: from incense to ashes

I feel the burden of a soul that cares. This is not self-upliftment. No, I could almost say the contrary. How do you help someone that you do not truly KNOW? Or, sometimes, no all the time much more painfully, how do you make people who don't know you understand that you know them? I have a good life, but the truth is that this good life was brought into being by profound pain... some of which is still lingering. I understand soul sickness and self development. I understand hating yourself and to your deepest chagrin but undeniable self-truth hating the person that "made" you hate yourself. I understand the hatred for the unanswerable paradox that is then created... an almost tangible presence that threatens to linger for the rest of your life... I understand then searching for solutions which are beyond life. Life is beautiful. When I say that I mean it in the same way that I might say, "Life is funny." Both are ALWAYS true, it's just that often times the humour is dark and ironic, filled with wicked intentions. Life IS beautiful... but you have to fight through (or learn to appreciate) its dark and haunting side... the side that no man or woman has ever "understood"... in order to emerge on the other side, bright and relieving in its understandable appeal. The intellectual all say that they want deeper understanding... that they want to delve further. The fact is that I said this about myself once, and now I only wish for deeper knowledge for the purpose of pulling me out of the terrifying and seemingly endless black quicksand of "enlightenment." Perfect understanding is impossible. I accept this. Hell, I'm okay with this. Please, delve deep enough into the void just to be content. True happiness and joy is found elsewhere. To be honest, true happiness and joy is one of the more easily found things set before us. Almost nobody finds it because post-modern humanism has made us blind.

I guess I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe it's just so I can express and vent my pain. But it's not my pain I'm feeling... it's someone else's. So many times it's someone else's... How do I help? What do I say? How do I express that unlike the multitudes of people using the same words and expressing the same concerns I am DIFFERENT and I really can help!?

I hate helplessness... therefore I refuse to feel helpless. I will find a way. Until then, please find me. I will be the one confidently lost, but holding a light with all the answers. "The man with the loving, mad-scattered eyes."

Light exists everywhere, only some creatures are able to absorb more of it from the darkness.

Happiness is light.

Would you like some coffee with your creamer?

Different dates have their relevance. Their sentimentality. In fact, almost everything substantial and abstract has been the muse for a drawing or a poem. What does it mean for a man when almost any given object holds at its core a deeper meaning? I think of June and it almost brings tears of happiness. I see a ripped page in a journal and it brings the most profound sense of suffocation and failure. I see rust and think only of her. Does this make a man weaker or stronger? In the end it doesn't matter because I love it with all my heart, this path. I have so many regrets and so many weaknesses. But those in the past are where they belong, presently bringing me quiet strength and reminding me to be a better person.

So many things... it's all so rich.

Tiger lilies.

A sleepy voice on the phone.

Street lamps.

The smell of warm vanilla and sugar.

The movie from the Stephen King novel, "Christine."

Small keys.

A roller coaster. ANY roller coaster.

Squaats (yes, I spelled that right).

The colors red-orange and dark brown when seen together.

Tall, narrow towers. Standing apart and on their own.

The cliffs of the southern coast of Tasmania.

Hazel eyes.

I will lose myself in your eyes...

"And I in yours." she cries.

A tired taste of happiness

I am in the best place of my life right now. My life is going just the direction I want it to. I'm making something of myself and I'm becoming better with every passing day. I understand that an unfortunate side effect of this is that my usual back-in-the-day type of blog entry is not quite attainable during this positive state in life. Except of course the lovers dialogue back in the age of Xanga. It's just that, the things that are worth writing about now are more subtle. Observational. The crazy little things that people do every day. The thoughts of my own creation and those presented to me by my peers. Situational humour. I love it.

Also, regardless of my situation in life, I need this. Mostly, I think, for reasons vaguely discussed in the entry starting with me "attending and graduating." More locally public and "close to home" thought troughs are more restricted for me right now. Damn, that's hard to deal with. I love where I am. I love the people involved. But there is a level that I need to go beyond. I'm not satisfied with the same old routine and restrictions. Yes, I am a moral and ethical person and live by a code. But the fact is, I'm starting to see a change in my code, a deviance from the largely accepted. As an artist and a growing person, I have to accept this change. I want to embrace it. I am doing it here in everyday life and showing it more and more as

time goes on. But as far as being able to talk about it, in a big picture kind of way... my options are limited. I would LOVE feedback, if anybody knows what the hell I'm even talking about, but mainly... this is for me. I need to process things. I do this better by playing out my thoughts, like right now, off the cuff.

Also, I simply need to vent.

For completely other reasons too. The usual fun, hopeful, and hard to admit reasons way people want blogs. "Maybe someone will finally recognize me for the genius I am, dang it!"

Absolutely.

Honestly, the kind of thing I've spent the majority of this post on is not that prevalent on my mind. Today I've thought nothing of it until I sat down to write. Usually I'm just living. I try to do that well, with richness of feeling and overwhelming smiles in my soul. Life really is great, even when it sucks. The terrible moments often define you and craft you into an amazingly, exponentially more defined and refined person. I want to be refined and purified. Heck, I want to be pure gold one day. I want to help other people do the same. There is so much potential around us. Seize it. Make it yours. You could be sky diving instructor if you wanted. You could make it to Australia or France and live the rest of your life learning about other people. you could be an artist, and even if people don't recognize you right away, if it's what you love and what you want out of your life, then you will be satisfied. Do NOT spend most of your adult life trying to get over your childhood. Live what you came to live. Do it right the first and only time. Okay, for now I'm done.

Oh yeah, and this is another one of my charcoal drawings.

And remember, profundity is not necessary for value. Oh, that is not a qualifier. I'm plenty arrogant enough to believe that I am ;) .

Sorting through the jumble... it's been too long since I sorted through with words instead of charcoal.

THAT'S the last thing I'll say! Fact: I simply do not think it words. I think in feelings and emotions and images and scenarios, etc. NOT words. So this is really not that easy for me. I never feel like I am representing "me".

Anyway, if you like you can tell me if I lack clarity.

The Old Roman

Charcoal drawing of an Old Roman. Based on ancient statue of same subject. Completed end of September, 2009

I recently attended and graduated a school with a very distinct reputation. I had known I would one day go there for at least 3 years prior to the time I actually did. I had many high expectations born of the experiences I had there with my father. I spoke highly of the school and shared many of the same values that they so adamantly enforce. I thought that going there would make me a better and stronger person. It turns out I was right, but not nearly in the way I thought it would.

The experience started out sour when a close friend of mine, whom I had decided to room with, decided to get mad and hold a grudge against me again. He did this occasionally in the past, but I had thought that we had passed that stage. We had grown up. Apparently not. He betrayed me by spreading lies to the other students behind my back. High School stuff. It still worked here, though. Possibly that's because only the devoted, the smart, and the ultimately strange attended there. This was true in my case as well I suppose, but I was thought of as strange by THEM, not the other way around. I was different in my normalcy. Believe me, I wasn't used to that, because frankly, I'm not all that normal. Anyway, I was for all intents and purposes outcast shortly after my arrival. This sounds pretty bad, but I learned to swing with the punches very early in life. I started to look at it as a blessing: those who were mature and good enough to confront me and find things out for themselves were the only ones worth befriending and knowing anyway. My attitude, I'm proud to say, remained pretty much consistent. I knew that I wasn't there for grades and that I wasn't going to be typical tight-ass student. I was me, and that wasn't going to change. I went to better myself, not to send myself in a completely different direction, guided by the desires of other men. In a nutshell, this was my first year.

I was good in school. Always have been. However, I found that in this setting I was much further from the motivation I would otherwise have. I stayed relaxed and didn't concern myself with the straight A's that I could have made. I contented myself instead with A's and B's and relished in the extra personal time. What happened to me while here, to shorten this whole story, was that I saw the truth of what I had always idolized and considered "right." Parts of it were STILL right, but the application was all wrong. I changed and I grew. I also noticed that the environment I so comfortable lived in before was actually a prison for freethinkers like me. When I started formulating my own thoughts, I realized that the grand majority of people were not just going to accept my change. I had to start flying under the radar. I was suddenly right in the middle of a sea of predators... and I had willingly put myself there. I found others, amazingly, there with me that had the same mindset as me. Together, we struggled through, closing in on graduation. One of my best friends didn't make it. They found out, and that was it for him. I didn't see him for months after.

The truth is, I grew quite a lot as a person, and do NOT regret my time there. I now know to a greater degree how to deal with all kinds of people. I know how to wait nearly forever and have great patience. I know how to be covert with my beliefs and how to reach others like me (sometimes bringing others to see my ideals). I probably would not have ever seen the light if I hadn't faced the darkness of my previous life. I made it to graduation and am now considered "elite"... but am afraid to use this because of the reputation that comes with it. I see everything differently.

There are many facets to a simple situation. If you can see them then you have a chance to change someone's world.

Speculation. Personal.

Examining the New Kingdom of ancient Egypt. The Amarna period, specifically. the unusual monotheistic king, Akhenaton, was able to completely change the art of a nation. Rules were broken and boundaries were crossed.

What would it take to do this today? Back then, the lines were clearly visible and drawn, but now we live in a world of freethinking. People are constantly trying to cross lines, and in doing so are simply jumping on the bandwagon. How do we really CHANGE it?

There it is. The logical fallacy. Assuming that there are only two options, blinded by naive ambition. This isn't necessarily the point. Stop trying to make yourself the next big thing! Okay, admittedly wanting to make a change is fine, commendable! But why are you doing it? All these pseudo-amateur-artists are simply mucking up the waters. Oh well, I guess a puddle of mud makes the gold found nearby look all the more beautiful, no?

Art is personal. Art is universal. Art is not making your person universal.

Is this correct?

What is art?

Ok, the point. Occasionally I may write such an entry. Ramblings. Speculation. Random thoughts. Personal feelings. The only reason I would right these things in such a setting is because I am interested in what YOU have to say about it. Tell me your thoughts. Agreements. Disagreements.

But please. Keep it intelligent.

I understand that there may not always be clearly objectively "correct" answers to questions... but dear people, I simply like to know.

Please let me know.

October 17, 2008

I dreamt of a man with silver hair; not whited with age, but lustrous with youth. The man was content, because he was doing what he enjoyed in life... yet he rarely smiled. "Smiling won't kill you..." No, but the effort will. He was analytical, yet he knew how to fly. Introverted, yet loved and admired by many. Still, he was known for his narrow face with no smile. One day, this young man was to board another ship, across an expanse of open space. The only way to get to this anchor in space was to drift. To drift in its direction and don't look back. *I woke up* The dream continues in my waking life. I knew my direction, for in my heart, I was the man. I knew the risk, because in my heart, I was silver. I knew of the reward, so I drifted and flew, straight and without looking back to the anchor I knew had to be there, for in my heart I wanted to smile.